Healing and Release:

That is what I said to my therapist about my then-recent sexual assault, something I had been repeating over and over to myself, still feeling numb and disassociated from the traumatic experience. 

But then I learned that I had been assaulted by a serial assailant. “It” had already happened to others, to others that were actually there that night. Other party guests who knew exactly who Adam was, but did nothing to protect me. The numbness I felt after the assault slowly faded and was replaced with a simmering rage. I felt angry towards those who left me asleep on the pool chair. Anger at those who took photos of Adam “asleep” on top of me. Anger that I was left alone out there. Anger that he took advantage of me.  Most of all, I felt anger towards myself, that I put myself in that situation. 

I felt alone, isolated, and abandoned by people that I thought would have my back. I felt violated in what I thought was a safe space. I felt exhausted by the lack of action from the New Orleans Police. From July 2015 - the year of the assault - to July 2022, I went on a rollercoaster journey of emotions including anger, disillusionment, sadness, disappointment, hope, and ultimately, forgiveness and release. At the start of the journey, I never imagined that I would be able to write those last words, that I would be able to break some of the emotional constructs that I had created surrounding my assault.

In hindsight, the time and distance from the assault allowed me to see different perspectives and bring in truths that I hadn’t considered. I was able to step outside myself to see how far I had come and to give grace to people who really didn’t know better in the moment of the assault. I went from feeling like no one was there for me to seeing how different people showed up along that rollercoaster ride, in their own way, helping me realize how far I had come, and despite the charges ultimately being dropped, I allowed myself to heal.
 

It happened in July, 2015.

In July 2015, I ran my own business doing experiential marketing and event production, specializing in cocktails and mixology-focused events. I was celebrating the successful completion of a major event series with one of my biggest clients at Tales of the Cocktail, the largest global cocktail convention in New Orleans. I typically did not drink while working, but since the event was done, I let myself let loose to celebrate. Many of my friends were at a late night pool party at Adam’s rental and were all inviting me over. I was hesitant to go, wanting to stay somewhat professional with my peers, but ultimately decided, “why not?” 

I had known Adam for a few years at that point. He was a veteran mixologist from Chicago, well respected within the drinks world and one of the few older gays in the industry. I had always thought he was nice, but had my guard up about him because he always seemed to be leering at me. I thought he was just quirky, but I still kept  him at arm’s distance. However, that night I didn’t think anything of it because so many of my industry friends were there, especially my fellow queer industry friends. It seemed like a great way to continue celebrating the end of my event series. 

We had been swimming in our underwear, since no one had their swim suits at that hour, and were all drinking whatever fancy bottles of booze people had smuggled from their own events. After enjoying the free flowing spirits, I sat down on a pool chair listening to the splashing of the water and the conversation of those around me. Adam sat down at the foot of my pool chair talking to a bartender from Miami when I started to doze off. 

The next thing I know, Adam is on top of me, I am naked, his hands and mouth are all over me. I roll my body away and he lays down next to me, naked himself. I am so confused and my head is pounding and I yell at him “why the fuck are you naked, what the fuck were you doing” and he just gets up and goes into his house, not saying a word to me. I look around and everyone is gone, except someone asleep on a chair across the pool. I immediately wake him up and make sure he gets in an Uber before I leave. All of the industry friends that I had felt safe around were gone. People that I thought would look out for me were all gone. I felt so alone, and so sad. 
 

I was not the first, but I would do what I could to be the last.

“I’m so glad that it happened to me, and not anyone else.” Something I kept saying to myself to try to find purpose and meaning in my trauma. But then I learned that Adam was a manipulator and serial assailant.  So I found a new purpose in my trauma: I was not the first, but I would do what I could to be the last. About a year later, Vlad*, another pool party guest, came forth saying that Adam had tried to force himself on him at the same pool the year prior. Vlad never said anything when it happened because Adam had been his mentor in Chicago. This aligns with how we as gays are often isolated and lonely, so having connection with another gay person is extra special, especially in a straight male-dominated industry like the drinks world. But, I could understand that Adam took advantage of the power dynamic as Vlad’s mentor. He took advantage of Vlad just as he took advantage of me asleep. 

Vlad told me that he felt responsible for what Adam did to me. In that moment, the resentment I didn’t even know I had towards Vlad began to soften. I had spent years feeling angry and betrayed by the other guests at the pool party that night, but suddenly I was able to release some of that pent-up emotion to give him grace. Vlad was a victim too. He was young and taken advantage of by someone he looked up to. So often in gay male spaces, we sweep unwanted sexual touch under the rug to avoid losing  the connection with another gay guy. This realization helped me release the pain I had bottled up against Vlad , which gave me the opportunity to forgive him. 

As the years went by, I had given up hope on the police doing anything with my case. It was 2017 - two years after the assault - and a reporter interviewed me about an article he was writing about the sexual assault issues within the cocktail world. I provided information about what happened and though it felt like picking at a wound, it did feel cathartic speaking publicly about it. I hadn’t wanted to really speak about it out of fear of jeopardizing the official police process. Vlad also volunteered to speak about it, which helped me feel less alone - something I didn’t know that I needed to feel at the time. 

The Grubstreet article helped push my case along, and with my continued persistence, I was able to actually make some headway. I learned that the detective had actually mixed up my case with another and started to finally follow through with the investigation. Despite the frustration that I felt, I was glad that my case was getting the focus it needed. Thankfully, in 2018,  Adam was finally arrested in New Orleans.
 

Navigating “Justice.”

I knew the trial would take time, and when asked by the court about what I wanted, I said I wanted Adam to get the serious help he needed and for him to never work in bars or restaurants again. I felt a sliver of hope that the judicial system, along with the hospitality industry, would make sure he would not be able to take advantage of anyone else. 

Of course COVID threw a major wrench into everything, and I pretty much gave up on any official resolution. Returning to Tales in 2022, I got the important opportunity to see my friend Joe* who I hadn’t seen since we were both at the pool party in 2015. He told me how Adam’s lawyer had asked him to be a character witness. Joe vehemently said no, that Adam had tried to force himself on him years earlier -  he had nothing positive to say about Adam. 

This literally lit my heart up. The underlying feeling of abandonment was beginning to crumble. I didn’t know how much I truly needed to hear Joe’s words. How much healing it provided me, how it helped ease the cycles of my own pain. It helped me recognize that yes, I was left behind that night, but I was being looked out for now. My trust was healing. It also felt relieving to know that Adam didn’t have much of a defense. Equally important, his victims felt empowered to speak about what he did to them because of me. I felt overwhelming relief that I didn't know I needed. 
 

Breaking the Construct

“I’m so glad that it happened to me, and not anyone else.” the construct I created in my head about the entire situation, about how to direct my trauma and my pain. Throughout the entire experience I realized that I wasn’t the only one, and that I really wasn’t “glad” it happened to me. I broke this down and realized that I didn’t need to hang onto this savior complex. I didn’t need to be the sacrificial lamb. I wasn’t alone in this, sadly, but we had each other. A sort of dark “blessing,” to know we weren’t alone. And by not feeling alone, I was able to let go of the anger I had towards myself. 

On this rollercoaster of emotions over the years since the assault, I took these revelatory moments to help me let go of what had been anchoring me to the past. We can either choose to stay rooted in the past or use the experience to help us move better about the world we live in now. I could keep focusing on how I was abandoned, or I could recognize what people were doing to support me later, helping bring me to the present. For me, these release opportunities came though time and distance from the assault. The distance gave me enough capacity to look at how far I had come and to see others in a new light after learning their truths. It helped me let go of the anger and rigid views I had created so I could let go of the heaviness and redirect my energy forward. It wasn’t easy, and I’m not saying it is something that we are required to do. However, if you are able to recognize those moments of release, you might be able to take one more healing step forward. 

And while writing this I learned that the charges against Adam were dismissed, and though continually disappointed with our justice system, I know that my healing is my own, and that cannot be taken from me. 

* First name used with permission.

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Insight articles are written by survivors sharing their own first-hand healing knowledge and lived experience. These are personal perspectives featuring survivor-to-survivor wisdom, advice, and offering firsthand accounts of navigating the challenges/realities faced by survivors. Every survivor’s journey is different. Braver Collective does not endorse, approve, or recommend any specific path or modality towards healing. All content on this page (written, visual, linked) is for educational purposes only, and is not intended to replace or provide medical, legal, or any professional advice or care. Always consult a qualified healthcare professional for any health-related questions, concerns, or conditions. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, dial 911 or go to the closest emergency room.