What You Need to Heal is Your Self

Does it feel overwhelming or welcoming to turn inward? Perhaps there are sensations like tingling, shallow breath, or numbness that you were not aware of? Do you feel static or blocked? Start there and just see what you find. Now that you have turned inward, I invite you to learn more about IFS, a therapy modality that may offer healing for survivors like you.
 

Internal Family Systems Therapy

Internal Family Systems Therapy, or IFS is a therapy modality beloved by trauma-informed therapists and survivors alike. In this model of therapy, we hold the understanding that each of us are multiple, with many “sub-personalities” called parts.  Our healing core, known as the Self, leads the charge in helping our parts do their jobs without burden. A couple ways to think about parts are: 

IFS says that we are multiple, we have personalities within that have different goals to keep us functioning. These are the “frontlines” of protection. Some examples of common parts are; The Perfectionist, The Hypervigilant, The Inner Critic, Numb-out, Zone out, Distract, and Avoidant. 
Or, if you have a more literal style of comprehension, think of parts as our many coping responses within us. 

Now, consider your own parts. An easy way to begin is by noticing conflicting desires within yourself. For example, when you experience stress, you may think "a part of me wants to go to the gym, whereas another part of me wants to stay home under the covers all day." 

Our parts are usually a big reason why we choose to go to therapy, because they can get stuck in extreme protective roles that do not support the entirety of our system. This happens because our parts want to do everything in their power to keep away wounds, negative core beliefs, and pain. We call the wounds they want to keep away “exiles” in IFS, because the pain carried from past experiences has been buried within, exiling these vulnerable parts from our system. The Self, mentioned earlier, is the healing force of hope to heal your exiles and guide your parts toward their original jobs. 
 

How IFS Began 

Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS therapy, began building this model by allowing his clients to lead him through their inner worlds. The openness he had for the client to lead remains a cornerstone of IFS today. Instead of trying to make these parts stop doing what they were doing, he was curious about why clients/parts do what they do. Eventually, clients would share their part’s perspective about the wound they were  protecting them from feeling. Schwartz learned early on that befriending these protectors allowed really powerful shifts in his clients to come to light. In other words, giving space to the parts allowed space for the Self. When the Self showed up, clients seemed to have every tool they needed already within them. 

When Self emerged in a session, each client noted that this energy was coming from a place that did not feel like a part, but instead something that felt fully “myself,” which was an anchor to hope and healing within. This insight changed everything. “Myself” became shortened to Self, and after countless sessions and years of research-driven effectiveness, we IFS practitioners hold the belief that everyone has a Self filled with the desire to heal. 

These observations gave way to the gentle process of first learning about our parts and then getting permission to heal exiles with the help of the Self. If you want a deeper dive into the workings of the model, check out this article from our practice, Steyn Integrative Counseling, which offers a comprehensive overview. 

It is about your body and your pace.

A benefit of this model for sexual abuse survivors is that everyone in the counseling room recognizes the wisdom and purpose of your own system, meaning that your body is in control. As you begin to witness and feel permission to unburden from your wounds, it is by you that the healing occurs. This therapy model is not about learning from a list of tools that comes from outside of you, grounding away from grief, or a power dynamic - it is about making space for our healing core to come forward. 

What really sets IFS apart from other models is where healing comes from and how it occurs. It is from your healing inner core, your Self. 
 

Meet your Self 

As we begin to feel compassion for our protectors’ roles and our wounds, the Self begins to emerge. You will start to notice that traits which were once difficult to access begin to come forward. We call these traits the 8 C’s. 

• Compassion
• Calm
• Clarity
• Connectedness
• Courage
• Curiosity
• Creativity
• Confidence

When we notice these traits emerging and growing within us, we will call this experiencing Self-energy. 

The Self is different from our parts. Instead of being a coping response or having a bigtime agenda, it just feels like you. It feels like “being.” Being in Self-energy can feel like; a wave of calm amidst trials, the desire to connect with others more deeply, or the courage to make a tough decision regardless of how others may handle it. What is so wonderful about having a bit of Self show up within you is that any complexity you feel toward healing becomes clear - you just allow enough internal space to let it come forward. 
 

Getting Access to Self 

It makes sense that if having a Self is a new concept to you, wanting to figure out when you are experiencing it follows suit! An important core tenant of IFS is to begin by turning our attention inward. If you want to experience a Self-led life, start by noticing what is going on inside you. What we call our inner world is a landscape of bodily sensations, urges, emotions, and thoughts. It is where we gain access to insight with our parts and our Self. For many of us, accessing our inner world is a monumental first step. 

EXERCISE #1 

Take a moment to begin tuning in. Find a quiet place to sit for a bit and close your eyes. You can set a timer for 2 minutes if you prefer. 
Notice your body, your breath, your urges, your emotions, and what thoughts are present. What is it like to notice? Do you like being in your inner world? Do nothing more for these few moments than just notice. 
 

What Self  Feels and Acts Like

Once our inner landscape becomes a safe and familiar place, we can start paying attention to what happens when Self is present. When you are in Self-energy, all agenda goes out the window. Meaning, our desire to speed things along, fix what appears to need fixing, or staying rigidly on track has no hold anymore. The Self within only has one agenda: to love, and one desire: to heal. All other ways of getting there are up to our own necessary pace. 

Concretely, this feels like having an absolute openness to respect our protective parts’ permission, whether there is a green, yellow or red light ahead. Don’t we all long for someone to sit with us as long as we need before we are ready for healing? That someone is your Self. 

In my own therapy work with clients, I have noticed that Self-energy brings forth possibilities that once were locked away, it kindly excuses “all-or-nothing thinking.” It feels like a breath of fresh air saying, “I can handle it regardless.” Even in our biggest traumas, the Self did not and does not get damaged. No matter what your story is, Self is still there. 
 

When Getting There is Tough

For many of us - especially survivors - moments of Self-energy have been fleeting, and that is okay. Trauma creates the necessity for many protective parts. These protective parts love you so much, that they may fear someone else doing their job, even if that someone is as helpful as your Self. This point is worth mentioning again: it is more than okay when your body needs the protection of your parts, especially if we are still in an unsafe situation, and our Self is absolutely on board with a slow and gentle build-up of inner trust. 

When it is difficult to make room for your Self to lead, we call this being blended. It is common to be blended with states of overwhelm, depression, and fear. Someone once explained their experience of being blended as, “I am clingwrapped with it,” and I thought it was a perfect analogy! Being blended feels like there is no separation from our parts and us, but as we get a little space, and shift from being blended to being with, we make room for our healing core to take control. A comforting reminder is that experiencing Self is not synonymous with being absent of experiencing parts. Instead, it is through the inner dialogue between our parts and Self that we most often experience Self-energy! A simple way to begin to access Self is to shift our state away from self-judgement, and into one of compassionate observation. 
 

EXERCISE #2

Return to tuning into your body from Exercise #1 and find the sensation, emotional state, or the thought that you chose to focus on. Literally, locate it in your body and send your attention there. Use your imagination to try to feel it in front of you a bit, so that now you can look at it with your mind’s eye. This visual is helping you go from being in to being with. 

Notice and ask: What does it look like? How do you feel toward it? Do you want to offer help? Nurture? Do you have a warmth toward what you are focusing on that was not there before? If so, you are Unblending and Self is beginning to emerge. If you can get there, sit in this feeling of warmth or compassion for a while. 
 

Diving Deeper 

Just knowing that you have a wise, healing core can kickstart the healing process, even if it’s just at the concept stage. It feels great to know there is nothing broken beyond repair within you. Practicing these exercises when an activation arises within your nervous system will help you gain more experience of being in Self-energy. My hope is that through experience, even a quick few moments, you can build on the truth that you can access all the tools you need within yourself. 

If you are interested in learning more about IFS, Self-energy, or parts work, I recommend No Bad Parts by Dr. Richard Schwartz. IFS therapy can also be a great next step if you would like to go deeper with us at Steyn Integrative Counseling. IFS therapists are skilled at helping their clients Unblend and use their own Self-energy as a healing support system. 

The goal of IFS therapy is to become Self-led, known as living a life of Self-leadership. 

Whatever happened to you, around you, or from you has not scarred you beyond repair.