26

I had called similar numbers before, in attempts to find listening ears for memories so painful I wasn’t convinced they were mine. The hotlines had never really given me any sort of affirmation or comfort, but I was desperate. 

They didn’t pick up. 

I spent the rest of the evening curled up in a ball, attempting to muffle my crying to avoid freaking my neighbors out. It was all very melodramatic. 

I know, logically, that I am in a much better place these days. I have a stable job, adequate housing, two cats, and friends that care about me. I’m sure if I had called one of my friends they would’ve happily kept me company. Why did I still feel the need to call a suicide hotline? 

Maybe it’s the anonymity that’s appealing. It’s been three years since I’ve seen my abusive family. It’s been seven years since I lived in a town where everyone I cared about knew I had Seen Shit. To give myself credit, I’ve really rebuilt myself since then. You’d never guess that I came from such a troubled home. 

I haven’t really gotten a chance to process everything I’ve been through. For years I dedicated so much time to surviving until tomorrow that I never even thought to look back. I’m trying to cut myself some slack. I really am. But somewhere, deep down, I don’t think I deserve the patience required for healing. I’ve never really been afforded patience— when I cried, my mother used to scream about how I didn’t deserve to cry, because I had never struggled. She would tell me she wished I was never born, and that I made her want to kill herself. She would regularly throw things at me and threaten to stab me with knives. She would sob about how my repeated sexual assault hurt her more than me. She would always, without fail, end her angry outbursts by proclaiming she was the only person capable of loving me. The world was evil, and she was the only one who would protect me. 

It’s no wonder I’m scared to ask the people around me for help. It’s insidious how strong her voice still resonates in my head all these years later. 

I’ve healed enough to recognize the lasting impact my abuse has on me. I recognize the tightness in my chest whenever I hear my neighbors drop something. I recognize the wave of mindless dissociation that washes over me the second someone raises their voice. I recognize the angry monologue that runs through my head whenever I make a mistake. I know where that all came from. I just wish I could move past recognizing. I’m not really sure what comes next. 

I confessed to a friend recently that I didn’t think I would live past the age of 20. As a teenager, I would sit in my room and think about all the ways I might die. I couldn’t fathom a future where I was able to escape and make a life for myself. 

I’ve now found myself in the unfathomable future. And it’s terrifying. I don’t know what I’m doing. It feels like I have to keep living just to prove everyone wrong. The community that raised me did everything in their power to make me believe I couldn’t exist without them. I am livid that I now have to navigate the world as if I haven’t experienced betrayal at the hands of the people who raised me. 

I wasn’t expecting my friend to have any answers, but what he said that night stuck with me. 

Maybe existing out of spite isn’t a great Life Purpose, but it’s a start. Against odds, I’ve lived to 26. And I will continue to live. And maybe I’m not sure why, but that’s okay. Something, somewhere inside me resigns itself to existence. 

For now, that is enough.

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Editor's note

If you or someone you care about is thinking about suicide, please reach out for help.

• Call 911 in life-threatening situations

• Call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (para ayuda en español, llame al 988). The Lifeline provides 24-hour, confidential support to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. 

• Reach out to someone you trust, like a family member or friend.

• LGBTQAI+ youth can find help at the Trevor Project.

• Veterans can call the Veterans Crisis Line at Dial 988 and press 1. or Text 838255 
  You can also visit their online chat service for support 24/7.