Fire Circle

My mom was gone, and I was visiting my Dad. It was all that was left of him physically.

His ghost was ever present. It was his death certificate, marine papers, and letters. The letters exchanged between him and my parents. My parents told him he needed to take responsibility for his action, a DUI. Little did they know he had actions that were far worse. In his letter back, he bragged about getting off on a technicality. He wrote as if my parents were so proud of this accomplishment. ‘You did it, you got off even though you are an alcoholic.’

It was disgusting. He was disgusting.

He was my brother, my abuser.

I wanted to take all of his shit and throw it away. I wanted it gone, but it wasn’t mine to discard. So, I left it.

When I shared my story with my therapist, he asked “what would you have done with it?”

I responded “I would burn it in my Mom’s fire pit.”

“Describe it” he said.

The fire pit was surrounded by rocks placed there by my Mom. It was loaded with dead trees, branches, and leaves. The pile was high. She didn’t get her last fire, but it beckoned to be burned. It was waiting for me and my trash. With open arms the pit welcomed what I needed to burn. She had been waiting for me and my trash.

“Who’s with you?” He asked.

I pondered who would join me in my circle around the fire.

Kyle, Marie, Laura, Kathy, Cindy, Angie, Carla, Jen, Bonnie, Margot, Brandy, Rachel and Mom.

I could see them all there. Arms locked together, forming a circle of protection, a circle of love, a circle of fierceness.

“Burn it!” He said.

I stood there with my fire circle, my healing tribe.

Most of them didn’t know my story, but yet they were there for me.

I looked around at each face and felt their warmth, encouragement, and strength.

Piece by piece, I tossed them in.

Death certificate—frames shot up high as if to take him away.

The Letters burned blue. Is that the color of evil?

Each piece of what remained was thrown into the fire.

The flames danced as if to say — we are all here to help you destroy the evil.

See these people, they are the ones who love her. You can’t take that away from her.

You are dead. She is alive! She is loved!

We all stand in silence. My tribe.

They each morph into a tree in my forest.

Each with its own scars and challenges.

Each one stands tall and supported by each other. Together we create a force that is unbreakable.

My therapist and I spoke about the visualization. “Burn it into your brain as a new memory”  he encouraged me.

I returned to my studio and created the first piece in my series, Fire Circle. 

It’s where my healing came to life, and I know I could do it.