The Torment We Carry

This familiar feeling of despair. The fear creeping inside me. Like an irritating invader. I hate this feeling. Feeling lost. Feeling broken. Feeling anxious. I wake up and I worry. What if today's the day? What if today I lose everything? What if it all goes wrong? What am I going to do? 

I have no job, no degree, no savings, no money. What can I possibly do? How can I push forward? How do we survive? How will I protect my children? I can't let it happen again. The struggle. The surviving. We are all so tired of just surviving. For once can we all just live? Can't we just have peace. Can’t we just feel safe and be happy? 

I'm so tired of trying. So tired of failing. So tired of being nothing. Being insignificant. I am no one. I am just a face in the crowd who no one sees or hears. The world just spins around me as I stay here stuck in my place. Not moving forward or back. The endless cycling of reaching and never getting to my destination. 

I sit in my silence saying everything's fine. But I am never fine. My thoughts are always racing a mile a minute. My face shows composure but my stability is unraveled. I fear for my children. I fear for myself. 

Every day I walk into a house of silence. No one talks. Everyone is just hiding away in their spaces. Children who are battling their own demons. And I have no idea how to help. My baby is no longer my baby. He's this teen who never wants to tell me what he's thinking. And I have no idea who he is. His likes and dislikes. His favorite music. Or what he's feeling emotionally. He's like me. Unreachable like a brick wall. But full of love and compassion just waiting to be discovered. And my oldest. The warrior who has been through it all with me. The pain, the violence, the hurt, the sadness. The mistakes. Fighting his own broken pieces and depressive thoughts now. 

All three of us are so desperately trying to move on and adapt. But no matter how much we try, we can't forget the past. We can't forget the misery. We can’t forget the pain. It never goes away. No matter how much life gets better. No matter how much has changed. The burden of our memories stays in us like a rotting disease, tearing us apart from the inside out. This destruction of our souls, of ourselves. Of our whole being. We are fragmented parts. Only half a person. Never whole. Full of holes and invisible scars. 

How can anyone fix this? How can anyone feel normal after experiencing such atrocities? How does anyone feel good about themselves? Or feel happy, or hopeful. These forever reminders of all that we have lost. So much loss. So much pain. So much misery. Such waste of our lives. My children who lost their chance to have a normal childhood. Myself, who lost my chance to be a good mom. All because of the evilness of men and others. Every single person we have ever let into our lives or trusted has hurt us. In one way or another. Some more than others. How can you trust people after that? How can you believe in the good of humanity? When humanity has done nothing but destroy us. It is as if my children and I were all born cursed into this world. Cursed to the evilness of others. As if I passed my burden of being hurt by the world along to my children when I gave birth to them. What could they have ever done to deserve such a terrible beginning as the one they had. What did I do to deserve the horrific life I was served? We've been given this life sentence and it is undeserved and unwarranted. Why did God choose us to be his forever tormented? 

All these thoughts. So many thoughts. 

So sick of the loudness. All I want is for my mind to be silent. For my anxiety to be gone. For my feelings to be normal. For my boys to be ok. I want my children to have their peace and happiness. I just want us to feel normal. Why can't we just feel normal? All these things we keep in our heads. Our words are constantly unspoken. Our feelings are always hidden. We are the broken amongst the hidden. 

How much longer can we last? How much more must we endure? How many secrets must we be forced to keep? 

When, when will this end?