Survivor Story
17.
17, an original song, reckons with the aftermath of sexual abuse in the artist's formative teenage years. Who would I have been?
17. Lyrics
What would it mean to be 17 again?
Spinning circles on the street.
I grew up fast but I am still a child.
But 17, she was so wild.
What if I’d never met you?
Would I be cold?
Would I stay home?
And what if you’d never hurt me?
Would I still trust?
Or open up?
It’s so hard to explain -
I wake up every day,
fake it all over again,
pretend that now I am OK
and over 17
I try to hope for the best
Think “maybe today will hurt less.”
I try to scrub myself clean,
get myself over 17
Now I am stuck between what could have been
and 17.
Now I am stuck between who I wanted to be
and 17.
How would it feel to have my world intact -
nothing darker than my room?
Did you think I’d never tell the truth?
A dark reserved for me and you.
But if I really am honest
I think you knew,
and I did, too -
That you saw me and thought you could hurt this.
Did I look small when I trusted you?
It’s so hard to explain -
I wake up every day,
fake it all over again,
pretend that now I am OK
and over 17
I try to hope for the best,
think “maybe today will hurt less.”
I try to scrub myself clean,
get myself over 17
Now I am stuck between what could have been
and 17.
Now I am stuck between who I wanted to be
and 17.
Five years late and I’m still faking,
can’t erase the mess you made me.
tired and shaking
still no ending
three am
I can’t get you out of my mind
I still think about you all the time
All the time
Do you remember me, or was I just another victim standing in the line?
Just another victim standing by?
It’s so hard to explain -
I try
but still lie awake
relive the dangerous days
avoid the thoughts of the cold nights
and try to get some sleep
I try my best not to blame
all the people who never came -
saw the signs, I made myself smaller,
they pushed them all away.
Now I am stuck between what could have been
and 17.
Now I am stuck between who I wanted to be
and 17.
- Beth Siegling, she/they
Beth Siegling is a multi-hyphenate artist and survivor from North Carolina. As a survivor advocate, she has worked with Time To Tell since 2019 facilitating and moderating writing circles for survivors of incest and child sexual abuse. Beth is the head co-editor of Beneath the Soil, an anthology of artistic works by queer and trans survivors of sexual violence, now in its third edition. As a dedicated member of the Braver Collective team, Beth focuses on content creation and curation in support of survivors' healing journeys. When she is not immersed in survivor-focused work, Beth works as a full-time musical theatre performer across the country. Follow along at bethsieglingofficial.com!
instagram: @bethsiegling
