Trust

i studied reactions
who sighed
who stayed
who looked away
i thought safe
meant
less irritated than the rest
i thought being understood
meant
i was finally allowed to exist
so when the line moved
when kindness turned into something else
i didn’t think
he crossed it
i thought
i invited him
i must have
misread something
wanted too much
stayed too long
been too easy to convince
because that’s the story
i already had about myself
that bad things don’t happen to me
they happen through me
and when other adults noticed
the quiet
the way i folded in
the way i stopped taking up space
they didn’t ask
they adjusted
told me not to make things harder
not to live in the past
not to ruin people’s lives
like my pain
was the inconvenience
like the real problem
was my reaction
no one said
you were a kid
no one said
he should have known better
so i said it for them
i said
it was my fault
quickly
confidently
i made myself the villain
before anyone else had to be
because blaming myself
felt safer
than realizing
the adults in the room
saw a scared child
and chose
comfort
over her
that’s when trust changed
it stopped meaning safety
and started meaning
how long until i find out
this is my fault too
to this day
when someone is gentle with me
something in my chest braces
not for love
for impact
waiting for the moment
i understand
i handed my trust
to the wrong person
again